If I can hear you talking, you're not eating

Like a true Idiot ‘Merican, most of my introductions to foreign cultures are through movies. 

On a recent trip to Seoul, after the first day of working with really great people, I was asked what I wanted for dinner. I said, “live octopus?” and looked at the woman for a reaction. Totally, unfazed, she said, “I don’t know any places close to here, but I’ll find one.” I was pretty surprised, I guess it’s way more common than I thought it was. We didn’t get a chance to go that night, so for the next couple of days, word got around, and I became the live octopus guy. 

After a few days, I had a night without obligation, so I felt like it was a good opportunity to get into it. Luckily, the two women from the gallery were such awesome hosts, they were totally into taking me. One of the women had had it before, the other wasn’t sure if she remembered having it or not, but none of us had gone to the particular restaurant, so it was an adventure for all of us! My favorite! 

The restaurant is unassuming, like most Korean restaurants I went to. Not a lot of thought to the interior design, but amazing foodings. It’s a good style, I’m on board for sure. There were aquarium tanks right as we walked in, with octopi stuck to the glass, must be the right place!

The live octopus dish, sannakji, was an octopus cut up into pieces, but still writhing away, served on a plate lined with lettuce. Also, we got a cooked octopus dish, nakji bokkeum, that was really spicy, but apparently, this place serves it mild, still hot enough to wake me up with spicy punches to the stomach in the middle of the night!

Sannakji is totally about the experience. The taste is virtually nonexistent, but the mouthfeel is totally unique. Chewy, but you can feel it moving in your mouth, and the little suction cups stick to everything, the utensils, every part of the mouth. I was nervous about the suction cups sticking to my throat, so I was the master masticator that meal. I was told it’s all about the dipping sauce, which is sesame oil and salt, but I found the sauce too salty for my taste, and ended up eating them plain.

Apparently, you’re supposed to drink alcohol with anything you are going to consume raw, but I didn’t feel up to the soju, so we had a raspberry sake. I also learned, that not only is it bad luck to pour your own cup of booze, but it’s also impolite to pour a half measure, even if that’s what is asked. It’s better to take the full measure and only drink half of it than to pour a half measure.

When asked where I’d heard of sannakji, I sheepishly admitted from the movie Oldboy. There was laughing and “of course” -ings, but they admitted Oldboy was a good movie. Even if it was out of courtesy, I felt better about it.

This place is so great for a group dinner, not so great for intimate dining. It’s really loud, pricey if not split multiple ways, crowded beyond belief, but for good reason. 

The cuisine is Vietnamese/Cantonese, with a focus on seafood, hence the name. This means heavy usage of fish sauce and black bean sauce. The flavors are bold and the sauces are shiny, not ham fisted bold, but bold in a way that makes the food seem like it’s bigger when it’s in your mouth.

House Special Lobster is the dish we center the whole dinner around. It’s market price, but we usually end up spending about $90 on one, which feeds 10 people easily. While I am usually pretty good about being able to figure out what goes into the food I’m eating, this one is kind of a mystery to me. I am able to pick out garlic, green onions, roe, and chili, but the rest I just leave to faith. I don’t really care that I can’t figure out what’s in it, because I’m so grateful that I can just go here and get it. 

My personal favorite accompanying dish is the sturgeon. They serve it two ways, one steamed and flavored sparsely with ginger and green onions, the other is fried, with a kind of sweet and sour sauce. I am not a fan of the sweet and sour, it tastes like spiced up ketchup, which I am not friends with. I do, however, really like the “plain” steamed one. The fish is tender and juicy, but still flakey, and unlike other flakey white fish, this one has a flavor.

Other dishes that are high on the list are the clams with black bean sauce, garlic sautéed ong choy, and French Style beef cubes, but I prefer the ones at Lee Kam Kee over Newport’s. 

They have a banquet menu, but it’s just a collection of dishes from the regular menu, nothing specific to banquet dinner.

I know there’s a lot of debate and many many articles and polls written about the best burger in LA, but fuck what everyone else says. Best for me is more than just how food tastes. It’s about the whole experience, from getting in the car, to opening my front door afterwards. I want a burger that tastes like it’s made of food, not grey sawdust and Ready Pac. I don’t want to have to go to far away lands to get it, don’t want to look for a place to put my car for a half hour or valet it, and I don’t want to be surrounded by/treated like an asshole while I’m eating.For instance, places that don’t have and won’t allow you to have ketchup can fuck themselves, I tell you what I want, not the other way around. Not that it really matters, I don’t use ketchup anyways, but when I go out to eat, there’s only room enough for one fascist at the table, and that’s me. Finally, I want to be able to drive home or wherever it is we’re going next after eating without shitting my pants or falling asleep at the wheel. 

For my money and time, Oinkster is really hard to beat. I don’t have to cross the 5 freeway, there’s plenty of parking, I’ve never had to wait for a seat, and my dog gets to come along as long as I sit on the patio. (why would you sit anywhere else if there’s a patio available anyway?) The price is right, no, they don’t have a 99¢ menu, but they also don’t try to sell you a $20 burger. Another bonus, you can have a nice beer with your meal, or as a meal.

The classic burger is great, irregular meat patty- signifying it didn’t come from a frozen stack of patties in a plastic sleeve- juicy, beefy flavor. Nice produce on it too, piece of lettuce, not just a translucent wilted one cell thick piece of paper, and the tomato isn’t sandy. Bun is springy and has a flavor of it’s own. I like the cheddar cheese since it doesn’t kick start the lactose intolerance, and grilled onions over raw onions. 

If you’re feeling ambitious, get the Royale, it’s gigantic, with bacon, chili and pastrami. I attempted it, but got my ass handed to me, figuratively and literally. 

The Belgian fries are where it’s at, double fried, the right way to do it. They make their own sauces, I recommend double teaming their ketchup mixed with Sriracha cock sauce, with the garlic aoli for dipping the fries in before dipping them into your face hole.

House pastrami is good, pulled pork also good, but I’ve had mixed results with their chicken. One time I got it and it was juicy and delicious, twice I got it dry and really salty. I guess one in three ain’t bad, it was good enough the one time that I would roll the dice again.

They have a decent selection of beers, and bottled sodas. I like the Oinksteraid, a mix of citrus juices and sugar water, not as syrupy as a soda, not as tame as an iced tea.

I’ve been with people who have had the PB&J cupcake, and they loved it. I never have room for dessert. 

They do fun things with their menu all the time. If you follow them on FB or Twitter, you can submit suggestions for the next shake flavor. They also do their salutes to famous burgers. I went for their salute to Big Mac, it was incredible as it’s own burger, but not Big Mac-y enough to trigger my past fond associations with Big Mac. However, it did not make me want a Big Mac, but I did have a BM later if that’s any consolation.

A long time ago, I had a friend tell me she always went to the same place and always ordered the same thing. Also, a guy I work with eats the same thing everyday from the same place for lunch unless we drag him someplace else, which is no easy task. Now, I’m all for that, I figure it’s like Einstein’s thing about wearing the same thing all the time to avoid wasting any thought about it. In fact, I’m a little envious because I’m constantly looking for something exciting or at least different to eat. It’s the same kind of small envy that I have when I scan through radio stations and get catalogs in the mail, I imagine the people who get to hear their favorite song on the radio all the time and find everything they want at their fingertips, such an easy life…I don’t really get it. I can’t imagine eating the same thing all the time, I even get pretty sick of eating the same thing twice in a week.

Thing is, when I asked my friend why she never ventures even to other things on the menu of the same place, she said, “What if I don’t like it?” 

“Well,” I said, “you can always make up for it by getting your standard the next time, or, if you really hate it, you can send it back and get your standard.”

She looked skeptical, as if I were trying to pull one over on her, “Who has time for that?”

Ok, I kind of see her point, life is short, but I don’t think it’s that short.

During another conversation with a different friend, who is a chef, said, “You know what I hate? When people make that face and reel back when you offer them something new, especially something great. You know, that face, like I’m presenting them with a pile of shit.” People forget that restaurants are a business. Businesses want to make money. So anything that is on the menu is going to not only be edible, but be desirable to a good percentage of the patrons, or it disappears from the menu. So, taking a chance by ordering something else isn’t really even taking a chance, except on your self.

Open yourself up! Order something else! Go somewhere else and order something you can’t pronounce! It’s really a small thing in the scheme of taking chances with your life, but it could lead to amazingly huge things that become instrumental to your life and the way you live it.

The area around where I work is a dismal repetition of greasy taco and greasy burger stands, occasionally highlighted with some heat lamp Chinese/donut/icecream/phone card joints. So every once in a while, just to switch things up, we’ll make the 15 minute trek to West Covina to Hong Kong Plaza, where they actually have really decent Asian food. There’s a good Malaysian joint, a good Korean Tofu joint, and there used to be a good pho joint and a Chinese dumpling joint. Those places are gone, the dumpling joint replaced by Fujin Ramen. 

We discovered Fujin while accepting the disappointment of not being able to get dumplings and noodles for lunch like we were so looking forward to. I am not usually one to judge a restaurant’s quality based on how many people are eating there, because I usually eat at odd hours, but seeing as how it was noon thirty, and there was not a soul in sight, I was skeptical. But we went for it anyway, because, what the hell, either take a chance, or be guaranteed to not like the greasy burger or greasy taco stand on the way back to work.

Turns out, this place is great, and weird. We’ve gone there 3 times now, and each of the times, there has been a different menu layout. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve ordered 2 different things, and gotten the same thing. Not that I’m complaining, both/same thing was great. Twice I’ve ordered the shio (sea salt) broth and once the shoyu (soy sauce) broth. Both looked exactly the same, except I got a lemon slice with the shio orders. Last time I ordered the shio broth, and my companero got the shoyu, and we compared them side by side, they look exactly the same. 

The broth is heavy duty, tonkatsu broth, with the option of miso added. It’s got so much broken down collagen and other good stuff that it’s silky, and super rich. You can even get the extra fat kid version and get kotteri aka added lard, to it. Little white globs that look like onion bits, but are not. Noodles have the right amount of chewiness, and hold up to the broth without disintegrating, but that could also come from the speed of being eaten. 

The namesake ramen comes with bamboo shoots, 2 slices of rolled bacon, 1/2 of an egg with a creamy yolk, and diced onions. You can also add sliced charshu pork, buttered corn on the cob, assorted vegetables, and chicken, but I prefer it straight. 

Also on the menu are side dishes, like fried chicken bits, gyoza, tofu, takoyaki, etc. 

Fujin Ramen in Hong Kong Plaza

1017 S Glendora Ave
West Covina, CA 91790
(626) 814-2020

photo snaked from user Evil J off Yelp

As your body get bigger, your mind gets flowered, it’s great to learn, ‘cause knowledge is power!

I’m not enough of a connoisseur of canned tune to say one or the other is my favorite, but these guys are enough so to write a song about it

This place is my favorite restaurant I’ve been to yet! It’s called Il Latini in Florence. You sit at common tables, and there’s no menu. The waiter comes over and just starts putting food on the table and once in a while asks you which of two or three things you’d prefer to have, like, which kind of pasta, which kind of soup, which meat, etc, but if you are like we were, totally indecisive, he says, “why don’t I just bring everything.” That’s how I come to decisions anyway! They’ve got me figured out, I was smitten.

The plates of food just kept coming and coming. The only way we knew we were getting towards the end was when the pastries arrived, but there was more! Post dessert biscotti with coffee and/or moscato? Alright, fuck me in the good way. Everything there is delicious, well made, and not unnecessarily fancied up, I love it.

The first time I ate there, we were seated next to a middle aged couple from Chicago, and a middle 20’s couple from Amsterdam, and we all talked about, what else? gastrointestinal problems! I swear, potty talk follows me everywhere, I don’t even have to initiate it. The woman from Chicago was asking me what I do to avoid lactose intolerance problems and I said, “I eat a lot of Chinese food.” She laughed, but stopped suddenly and said, “Oh wait, you’re not kidding…” Then I laughed.

The crowds are ridiculous, and they only take reservations at opening time which if I remember correctly is 5:30pm. (Similar to another old fav, now defunct joint, Palazzio in Montecito, anyone remember that one?) So unless you want to wait for an hour or longer, call before noon and reserve your spot. Plus, it’s kind of awesome to push through the throng when your name is called.

Everything, including wine, dessert, and coffee is included in the dinner price, which was about 80€ for all three of us. 

Since I’m going there tomorrow night, a good place to start is with the Red Lion Tavern. I am not a fan of traffic, hard to find parking, and the wrong kind of assholes, so I rarely go west of the I-5 freeway unless I am meeting friends, who always make it worth it. 

The place is fun, has the kind of decoration and ambience that only older places (est. 1959) have, because they are not trying to make everything out of sleek laminated sawdust. 

They have a pretty big menu, but almost every time I come here, I order the same thing, (but still can’t pronounce it) Gerauchertes Eisbein, which is what you’re looking at. The menu describes it as “baked, smoked pork shank.” The first time I ordered it, The guy at the table next to us was making his way through it, and he looked happy, disgusted with himself, and on the verge of conceding to the football of pork in front of him. I was convinced just by the look on his face so I ordered it. It all made sense once it was presented, the pork shank is huge, and even after pulling the sizable bones out of it, there’s still a pantload of delicious pork. 

Should you decide to take on this beast, don’t be a 90 yarder and take off the skin and fat, own that bitch! You’ll probably feel dizzy and kind of gross if you finish the whole thing, so you should get a dog and share the love and discomfort.

The sides are good too by the way, a plus if you love mustard, which you can see, is almost the same size portion as the potato volcano.

I also love the giant pretzel, good for sharing, your friends will appreciate it.

Oh yeah, I should add, they have a great selection of boozes and German beers, should you be so inclined.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about how to start something new. My advice was to jump in and start sucking at it until you stop sucking at it…I’m paraphrasing, but not by much. So I figure this will be really unorganized at first, and be more cogent as it progresses. Bear with me, or go fuck yourself…please.